11/4/07
I’m a farm girl, can’t you tell? My tights may be turquoise but my eyes are curious and my heart is swollen with life’s plentitudes. I’m naïve and I like it—all I want to do is learn! I can go anywhere in the world and see how people get along. The good and the bad. I’ve worried about me for too long, why are you looking at me like that? Because I know you know: I’m definitely not like you.
So what if I’m not the quickest rabbit or the smartest cat? I take my time and if the words don’t come out right well use your imagination. This is my attempt to be me—to amplify my heart! To unbar my mouth and actually speak for once. To get it straight so my eyes aren’t so fuzzy.
I don’t need my glasses and I sure as heck don’t need someone to cheer me up (as of now). I need to spread my arms as far as they reach, feel something soft and warm and graze it on my face! I want to read something so moving that my mouth can only squeal! I dream of being elegant yet natural. To be loving and loved for my dreams too big for my pocketbook. All I wish for is a man to be enwrapped by my soaring hope for the world and for me to love him with all my might that I could only go the distance with him. To create something new and make love like never before. To start a life, mowing lawns, making dinners, reading newspapers, sipping coffee with a smile, rolling in the snow, making noises, dancing on a whim, walking around in underwear, picnics with a happy ending, taking adventures, pushing every button in our bodies to make us scream with passion—gathering every penny to pay bills so we can collapse together in our one bed and feel such deep devotion that all we can do is laugh and kiss endlessly. We can make it.
Enjoy the simplest times and most intriguing details of each other that could be so ordinary, dance like we did in the old days, and feel our hearts rise in our throats as he dips me and our lips spark in connection. We can be it all and still find time to be human.
---
it's been a long time, but i'm willing to wait.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
the 400 bar.
i don't know how to write this without sounding cliche. but for the moment, i couldn't give a horse's ass. given my experiences at the 400 bar in minneapolis, minnesota have been very few, i don't have the creds to do this historic venue justice. i have been there quite a few times in the past year, sometimes driving up just for the night to see arlen as well as some fantastic bands. i can thank arlen for adding these times into my storybook, since he has worked there for about a year.
so anyway, last night, june 12, 2008 was my all-time favorite night at the 400 bar. i had planned to go to the david allen coe concert at the cabooze, but since i got there late, was alone, and couldn't find parking within a 10-block radius--i gave up. besides, i couldn't imagine seeing the one and only david allen coe without my irreplaceable hick friends from iowa. just wouldn't feel right.
turns out, the cabooze is right down the street from the 400 bar...so i pop on down to catch caroline's boyfriend, miles, and andy ulseth perform their self-promoted/planned show around 10:00 PM. since i started working there, i get in free. bonus. i chat with my new girl friends at the door. one of them, gosh dangit, can't remember her name, works for an art center, is eating thai food and a banana, and is nice to me--so i engage in conversation with her, trying my best to be confident and not say awkward things. i tell her the normal info, where i go to school and why, and how everyone at my school is sports oriented but i am overall grateful and content on my college-going decision because it got me to where i am now, and to be completely honest. I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER :)
miles starts playing, but i'm still talking to the girls. i sneak away and lean up against the wall, back at least 20 feet from the rest of the crowd. a column is blocking part of the stage, but i frame my view of miles so it will stick in my memory. the red lights shadow him just so, and i'm struck by enhanced his physical beauty. the crowd whispers, some slowly sipping their beers while continuing their gaze on the reddened blond haired, big eyed artist on stage. i'm completely intrigued by his voice. it's smooth. his guitar skills surprise me (probably because i didn't know he played). the combination makes me drunk in a sense. i'm suddenly dumbfounded, happy, and i kind of forgot where i was. he's singing a heart-tugging song about caroline. the pitch in his voice is dynamic. it's true, full and considerately soft, and taking the audience under its wing. it is the exact same longing to be under blankets with someone you love. and i almost break down in tears right there for my deep (so much i could die) yearning for a love such as these two talented, young individuals.
i inch towards the bar, to temporarily break out of my spell, and ask jeremy, the very cool bartender, for a dark beer. i don't listen to my options, i just say, "that'll work". i dip my finger in the creamy foam and lick it a few times like it's cool whip or something. i forgot to mention, the slew of people that are in the audience. a handful of them, acquaintances whom i met through arlen. there's arlen's bandmates, pals, classmates, co-workers, and a friend from high school. i'm actually surprised that some of them are congregating around me. i never think i'm much to talk to; every one of his friends has a very silly sense of humor (which i adore) but given my state of mind lately, i haven't been much of the conversationalist. i'm very much into people's regards rather than witty remarks. i'm not exactly sure how they perceive me, but as you can see, it's not a pending concern of mine. we're all chatting, near the end of miles' set. we talk about what we're doing in the city, how our summers are going, and how we're going with the flow of life rather than getting worked up about the little stuff that makes your head want to spin (realizing that it gets you nowhere).
my friend don makes his entrance, and i am extremely happy to see him. i jump off of my barstool and squeeze him tight. he always puts me in my own mood. i laugh uncontrollably and am not afraid to dance like a dork. he's a good guy.
andy takes jeremy's station at the bar and jeremy reads a few of his short stories. his stories have a very dry, to the point, humor that is irresistable. he makes people chuckle. although, he falters a few times, he still captures the audience. they hoot and holler.
andy ulseth makes his way to the stage. again, the red lights depict him just right so that when the waves of music extract from his body he seems angelic. he nails a neil young cover and i feel like i'm in love with him. although that may seem shallow, like i said, i really don't give a damn. i fall in love daily, whatever that entails, i feel in whisp up my spine, into my heart. i hope those whom i fall for know, it's in my eyes and it's true.
he performs a few more songs. his family is there. he plays a song for his younger sister that just graduated high school. the rest of his band, including his pals, arlen, and caroline...they drug me with their catchy chords, unique harmonizing, and drop-dead beautiful lyrics.
so anyway, last night, june 12, 2008 was my all-time favorite night at the 400 bar. i had planned to go to the david allen coe concert at the cabooze, but since i got there late, was alone, and couldn't find parking within a 10-block radius--i gave up. besides, i couldn't imagine seeing the one and only david allen coe without my irreplaceable hick friends from iowa. just wouldn't feel right.
turns out, the cabooze is right down the street from the 400 bar...so i pop on down to catch caroline's boyfriend, miles, and andy ulseth perform their self-promoted/planned show around 10:00 PM. since i started working there, i get in free. bonus. i chat with my new girl friends at the door. one of them, gosh dangit, can't remember her name, works for an art center, is eating thai food and a banana, and is nice to me--so i engage in conversation with her, trying my best to be confident and not say awkward things. i tell her the normal info, where i go to school and why, and how everyone at my school is sports oriented but i am overall grateful and content on my college-going decision because it got me to where i am now, and to be completely honest. I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER :)
miles starts playing, but i'm still talking to the girls. i sneak away and lean up against the wall, back at least 20 feet from the rest of the crowd. a column is blocking part of the stage, but i frame my view of miles so it will stick in my memory. the red lights shadow him just so, and i'm struck by enhanced his physical beauty. the crowd whispers, some slowly sipping their beers while continuing their gaze on the reddened blond haired, big eyed artist on stage. i'm completely intrigued by his voice. it's smooth. his guitar skills surprise me (probably because i didn't know he played). the combination makes me drunk in a sense. i'm suddenly dumbfounded, happy, and i kind of forgot where i was. he's singing a heart-tugging song about caroline. the pitch in his voice is dynamic. it's true, full and considerately soft, and taking the audience under its wing. it is the exact same longing to be under blankets with someone you love. and i almost break down in tears right there for my deep (so much i could die) yearning for a love such as these two talented, young individuals.
i inch towards the bar, to temporarily break out of my spell, and ask jeremy, the very cool bartender, for a dark beer. i don't listen to my options, i just say, "that'll work". i dip my finger in the creamy foam and lick it a few times like it's cool whip or something. i forgot to mention, the slew of people that are in the audience. a handful of them, acquaintances whom i met through arlen. there's arlen's bandmates, pals, classmates, co-workers, and a friend from high school. i'm actually surprised that some of them are congregating around me. i never think i'm much to talk to; every one of his friends has a very silly sense of humor (which i adore) but given my state of mind lately, i haven't been much of the conversationalist. i'm very much into people's regards rather than witty remarks. i'm not exactly sure how they perceive me, but as you can see, it's not a pending concern of mine. we're all chatting, near the end of miles' set. we talk about what we're doing in the city, how our summers are going, and how we're going with the flow of life rather than getting worked up about the little stuff that makes your head want to spin (realizing that it gets you nowhere).
my friend don makes his entrance, and i am extremely happy to see him. i jump off of my barstool and squeeze him tight. he always puts me in my own mood. i laugh uncontrollably and am not afraid to dance like a dork. he's a good guy.
andy takes jeremy's station at the bar and jeremy reads a few of his short stories. his stories have a very dry, to the point, humor that is irresistable. he makes people chuckle. although, he falters a few times, he still captures the audience. they hoot and holler.
andy ulseth makes his way to the stage. again, the red lights depict him just right so that when the waves of music extract from his body he seems angelic. he nails a neil young cover and i feel like i'm in love with him. although that may seem shallow, like i said, i really don't give a damn. i fall in love daily, whatever that entails, i feel in whisp up my spine, into my heart. i hope those whom i fall for know, it's in my eyes and it's true.
he performs a few more songs. his family is there. he plays a song for his younger sister that just graduated high school. the rest of his band, including his pals, arlen, and caroline...they drug me with their catchy chords, unique harmonizing, and drop-dead beautiful lyrics.
i have been to a plentitude of concerts. sometimes i have fun, sometimes i wish i would choke on the cherry in my shirley temple. this concert, i have never felt more gracious and grateful to be there. even though my summer isn't going as i had planned...i'm still happy it's taking place. it needed to. needed to happen. needed to fall apart. i had to wake up sometime.
le point
i declare this spot to be my new and insightful journal. i'm not sure if i can declare something like this, but ya know, virtually no one knows about this spot but myself....so i can say i'm pretty safe.
if you find this and wonder "why in the heck is this lady writing everything on her mind even if no one really cares?" i can reply with "well i didn't expect you to find it" to be honest, i just wanted a more organized outlet to write about my life than my scribbles in a notebook. although scribbles in a notebook are amazing and can, in my opinion, pinpoint the exact moment in my life when i was writing a specific entry...what had happened and what was going through my head as i was hectically trying to write every word physically out on the page.
i have about 10 full notebooks that have pile up under the mattress at my home in iowa. hundreds of scribbles and "woe is me" entries spilling my guts about my latest development of feelings (usually about the dozens of boys i seemed to fall in love with throughout my teenage years).
i stray from my point. this place is for my ramblements. my experiences. my stories. even if they all seem insignificant, it's all for my memory. i feel like i let things pass me by. and even though i don't want to spend the rest of my life writing in a box about my life and letting that consume my life, i believe i can take a few minutes here and there to reflect about whatever is going on. all of this is essentially being done with hopes of self-development and in the end, a whole lot of self-improvements.
if you find this and wonder "why in the heck is this lady writing everything on her mind even if no one really cares?" i can reply with "well i didn't expect you to find it" to be honest, i just wanted a more organized outlet to write about my life than my scribbles in a notebook. although scribbles in a notebook are amazing and can, in my opinion, pinpoint the exact moment in my life when i was writing a specific entry...what had happened and what was going through my head as i was hectically trying to write every word physically out on the page.
i have about 10 full notebooks that have pile up under the mattress at my home in iowa. hundreds of scribbles and "woe is me" entries spilling my guts about my latest development of feelings (usually about the dozens of boys i seemed to fall in love with throughout my teenage years).
i stray from my point. this place is for my ramblements. my experiences. my stories. even if they all seem insignificant, it's all for my memory. i feel like i let things pass me by. and even though i don't want to spend the rest of my life writing in a box about my life and letting that consume my life, i believe i can take a few minutes here and there to reflect about whatever is going on. all of this is essentially being done with hopes of self-development and in the end, a whole lot of self-improvements.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
i guess i'll introduce myself
i'm still trying to find myself and i know you all know it's not an easy task. i want to discover new things and put myself out there. that's not easy either. i'm a girl full of love, so much it gets me in trouble. no matter what, i want to contribute, be helpful, and just get along with everyone. i don't want no trouble or drama! i've made a lot of mistakes. i have to say i'm quite embarrassed of things i've said and done (along with the goofy outfits i've worn)...but i can honestly i'm not embarrassed of where i come from. i'm extremely grateful and blessed. i'm currently in a state contentment mixed with an aching for success. i don't know where i'll go from here, but i plan to have fun.
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